Biff Malibu's Groove Tool

Thoughts on 9/11 and that other Doomsday

2007-09-12T23:00:40Z

I wrote on my myspace yesterday a great quote in my opinion. "Today we remember that our government lies, today we remember that everyone dies." I am absolutely pissed off about 9/11. I was so arrogant and ignorant, young and uncaring on september 11, 2001. I didn't fully grasped what had happened, that the whole world had just changed, and nothing was ever going to be the same again. Sounds a bit overdramatic eh?? The truth is, I am not far off at all. I side with that small circle of folks that believe that our own american government is fully responsible for 9/11... its even possible that some of those so called american victims are not truly victims in the sense that they may not all be dead.... if you think they are...prove it, where's the bones and blood?? Never found!!! I did everything but told George Bush to come meet me in the parking lot after school so I could kick his stupid bigot ass. So I have made a strange decision... I am going to attempt to write a book on 9/11. I know it has all been said, but if I put together the evidence and write my take on it, then it will be fully original. This is going to be a huge undertaking for one such as me that doesnt like to read.

In other news... today is september 12, that means there are 36 more days until my wedding. I cannot believe it has come down to this. We are so close, in fact I believe Kathy is out getting the wedding cake samples and the wedding bands tonight. I am stuck at work at the hotel... it's kind of a long night, but I will probably try to go home early as I am still not feeling at 100%. Whatever type of sickness is going around...it's been kicking my ass for days now almost two weeks in fact. I hope Kathy ends up getting rings tonight that way my stress level can recede ever so slightly....a lot like my hair line.

Hey I have not been here forever

2007-08-29T21:57:23Z

Yo all you out there in livejournal land... I am not sure i f anyone is still around or if anyone even cares if I am still around. My god I have come beyond full circle. I started this live journal when I thought I was with the best girl ever, boy was I wrong...in fact that whole 2 years can be chalked up to a huge mistake and a lot of alcohol. That is after all what kept me and that particular person together. I think we both knew way back that it was crap. However now here I am almost 6 years later and I am just 51 days away from my wedding...

Kathy is the love of my life... she has pushed me hard and made me work to become quite a useful man afterall. Lots of people would doubt this if they read it, but the truth is we all grow up someday.... its just a question of when. In my case...I grew up a little later than everyone else. She is a beautiful person both inside and out. The wedding will be in schaumburg and so will the reception. Then I believe we are headed to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina for the honeymoon for about a week.

I am extremely excited for the wedding, from the service to the bar, the food to the friends; I just can't wait. But I have to admit with all the stress that has recently arisen I cant wait for it to be over either. I mean this in the best of ways.

Pointless piece of information to put out there.....Friday Aug 31....holy shit Rob Zombie recreated my favorite movie ever... HALLOWEEN...I will be in line with a butchers knife so don't cut in front of me.... or I'll cut the front off of you. HAHAHAHA

For the last 6 months I have been a general manager with Best Western hotels, but I dont agree with the individual owner idea, and frankly I dont ever want to work for a punjabi Patel boss ever again. It's nothing personal but at the same time everything perosnal. It seems everywhere you look these ghandis are owning and managing cheap ass hotels everywhere across the country. Well no more of that thank you. I have returned to the Hilton company because they are way more respectable and the service and training is better so that every employee is always on the same page. I am not a manager here right now, but I am being trained and "groomed" for a management position within a year or so.

Well I think that is enough for all of you to digest and if you know me and want to catch up at all....drop me a line or whatever.

email : misiu_drums@yahoo.com

Oh Jesus Do I need to update!!!

2006-10-18T06:45:45Z

Ok so once again I find myself saying to you.... hey it's been exactly 12 months since I last wrote and I need to update. Well as far as employment I have managed to bounce in and out of a few different jobs over the last year and I am proud to say that I have ended up back in a hotel working overnights handling the hotels finances for each day. Not too shabby... not the best.

As far as music.... the old SBB broke up long long ago and as I mentioned in my last entry I joined a new band called The Live Wire. There are now 4 of us in the band and we have a powerful arsenal of songs... around 14 including covers. We have also been to the studio already to record the beginning of our album and we are in the process of planning a second trip to the studio to finish up two more songs. You can check us out at http://www.myspace.com/thelivewireband or http://www.purevolume.com/thelivewire.

Kathy and I are still together and doing fine... we have set the tentative date for our wedding as 10/20/07. We are just starting all the planning and gathering money, and tasting foods etc.

We still live in the house in Schaumburg and just recently we had a party for the anniversary of our move in. Although I no longer have the band room since Kathy took it over as her art room. Instead I have the rest of the basement for musical purposes. The dog is still around, Buddy. He is doing well except that he still loves to eat socks.... I just can't get him to quit. We also had to get ourselves a couple roommates to fill the extra rooms so we can save more money for the wedding.

For a while Jason Mitchell was living with us and I was acting up and doing stupid shit while he was around as one might expect if you know Jason. But we asked him to get out of our house when he just started screwing up too much. I don't like it that Kathy hates him so much I can't even mention him really, but I know he is a dumb ass and he needs to get his shit straight. For example the other day he was telling me how he is dating this great girl, but he also told me that he cheated on her already twice. Oh well.... his loss I suppose.

It's A Wonderful Life

2005-10-09T09:49:02Z

Well it has once again been a while since I last updated this journal. So here it goes....
Kathy and I have moved into the house... it is friggin' amazing. It is a 3 BR hous with 2
bathrooms... and a full basement. I have my own little hangout room / band room. It is where
I spend hours playing drums, but also I have cable in there, a phone, a stereo, and it is so
comfortable. There is a lot of work to be done on the house, but it is nice.

Today I had a quiet day at the house playing with buddy, and doing a little exploring in the
storage space below our deck. It was fairly rewarding... I discovered a load of useful yard tools
had been left as well as five fairly decent fishing rods. I also have a river inner tube for tubing
so as my dad said if I could find some freetime and a river oh what fun I could have.

Kathy and I finally invested in car insurance for ourselves instead of having her the only insured
driver under her parents policy. We got some really good coverage from progressive for $772 every 6
months. Tonight I cooked Chicken Parmagianna Pasta for dinner then we had some damn good sex for
desert. All over the house.... I dont care if this is not what you want to read... it is worth
mentioning.

So the first night we were in the house we had a really great party. There were probably around
25 people there. And a lot of beer and champagne for me. I passed out when it was still early.
I however walk away from that evening very angry at a few people. There were some unmentionable
acts in my home.... but it will suffice to say I have not called some people for a while. And I will
not be calling some people for a while. There are some things you can do at someone's party at an
apartment that you just dont do in a house. When one lives in a house often they will want
a more mature, respectful air in their home. They wouldn't want people screwing on their laundry
machines or whatever. You know when your friend owns their own home you should respect their home..
not defile it with some other person you dont know.... or even one you do. And certainly do not
break things in that home in the process.... it is unbelievable how immature and bastardish some
people are. You know it honestly creeps me out because you ask anyone i hang out with...

"WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU SEE GETTING A HOUSE?"

They will all say me. However in a total twist of fate... I am in my own home before any of them.
I also have pretty much managed to go from totally unstable, messed up, depressed, drugged out
screw up boy to a young man who has begun to get his shit together and is ready to start a family.
I have spent an incredible ammount of time letting stoopid Mother F***ERS waste my time and take
advantage of me. I have wasted my friendship and caring on people who I spend most of my time worrying
about.... worrying if they died from those drugs.... worrying if they are in jail..... worrying
if they are alive even. No one needs friends like that. What about worrying if they are happy today
thats something i am willing to worry about. It is really embarrasing when someone says...

"HEY MAN I HEARD YOUR FRIEND IS IN JAIL AGAIN....."

or

"HEY YOUR FRIEND IS PASSED OUT FROM THE HEROINE"

That is not what envisioned for my life.... and I have begun to take actions that will allow
me to not have that in my life.

P.S. THIS FRIGGIN MUSIC SUCKS

Updating.... this title is sort of repetative

2005-09-15T23:16:37Z

Hey....whats up?? well we are moving into our house on sep. 30 and oct 1st and we are following the moving up with a huge party at the house on oct. 1st. If I know you and like you and want you there you will hear about it from me directly. Quite a few people will be coming out since this will be my "LAST PARTY" I am starting to feel too old to get trashed and have puke parties these days. I got bills...a dog...a lovely fiancee who i love very much and I need to take good care of all these people that I love....(dog and kathy). I want to be able to afford music equipment and my energy is just getting lower as i get older. So this is it Curran is exiting his youth with a giant bash to celebrate the house. Get drunk and go nuts!!!!!!! We will have drinks, food (BBQ), possible live music, 2 floors of mayhem.

I look forward to seeing all of you that i invite....
this will be the last chance you have to see me go nuts....

GREATEST NEWS EVER

2005-09-05T17:01:10Z

KATHY AND I GOT THE HOUSE....WOO HOOOO

We are moving in to a 2 story house.....

i bought an acoustic guitar, a 4 track, 2 mics...

i joined a band... the live wire band w/ chris steele

you can check us out at www.myspace.com/thelivewireband

thats it...I am at work.... yay fopr stuff and houses

stuff to say

2005-08-25T19:42:01Z

Hey I am just sitting here....listening to music and I realize that I can totally put myself into these depressing moods... like subconciously I guess. I am sure it is obvious to everyone, but I never really sat there to actually think about that. I am in total control over the depression that I am stuck with, but I guess I just let it run me most of my life. I can probably make it not bother me, if I can make it bother me I must be able to make it go away too. That's important cause I don't much care for dealing with those time periods of depression at all.

Heres a funny tidbit for anyone interested at my work we are going to have a semi-celebrity and I have been asked to do the on-site security work. I will not say who or when until it gets so close it wont matter, this is just out of respect for all involved. But when you get the info. you may all have a good laugh.

Its been a minute....Again......So what else is new

2005-08-22T22:00:43Z

Hey its me again.....been dealing with a really heavy bout of bronchitis and other unnamed breathing infections and problems. I am losing my voice today, and yet still I have showed up to work every day sicker than all hell.

We thought that Buddy, the dog, had an ear infection so we took him to the vet today. Turns out I am a good parent to dogs...hooray. My dog is the picture of puppy health.

I am having a severe uphill battle quiting the "smoking".

So here is the big news.....my parents were in town and they have met Kathy. It is official...you have no idea how happy i was to see my parents. In fact I think they were finally happy too. My dad squeezed me like he hasnt done since I was a kid. It has been one tough battle to turn myself from my parents worst nightmare (jailbird jones) into a thoughtful, grown up, and more responsible young adult. My parents think Kathy is just wonderful.....and this makes me very happy.....I dont know what I would have done if there was some level of dislike at all. I knew it would be fine..... Kathy is very special and a wonderful woman, and I am very lucky.

My drums are finally set uop in a small room for me to practice in. I am getting readyy to try out for two bands, but my priority as far as a band goes right now is Juniper Park a new projectwith Rick, my old guitarist from SBB.
The speed things are going at I feel like I should just start to focus on everything but a band right now because I have talked to rick probably 20 times about Juniper Park but he has made no attempt to really try me out. And as far as the other possible band..... I am not sure yet what they want to play so I am not sure if I would be their best option.

Good news Chicago, Autumn seems to have begun its final descent in to the chicagoland area. I have already seen some leaves changing and the air temp. and breeze are so wonderful..... upper 60's????

Well not much to do here

2005-07-25T23:45:28Z

Hey I am just sitting in the back at work....still completing the book training. The funny thing is that the next part of the book training requires me to use a part of the program on the computer that no one can access except for Beth....who is not here. So I cannot move forward with my training.

Well....not a lot is going on....I just downloaded a copy of Batman Begins and a copy of Wedding Crashers. As well as several episodes of thundercats, and two episodes of Gummi Bears. You remember Gummi Bears??

You know I have noticed over the last few months that all the good jobs that are worth having start out really annoying, lame, and slow. As long as you stick with it you reap the benefits at some point in the future. Like the job I am at now for Hilton. This training sucks booty, but once its done I will get certified on the OnQ program for computer reservations, and insurance and a fairly simple job.

What else is there to talk about??

I dont know what else to say at this point. Cant wait to get home...chill out...and just watch a movie and eat some grub.

Another Update Session

2005-07-24T23:47:46Z

Hey everyone.... I am writing from work so this won't be too in depth. Let's see well Kathy and I are doing well and we have been having a heck of a time trying to plan this wedding. Planning must be the craziest and most stressful part of this whole thing.

I was so shocked to find that many people I have fallen out of touch with are starting to try and get back in touch. Wow...I guess I do know a few people worth knowing.

Last night I had a no limits party at North Beach in Downers Grove....my oh my did we drink. Kathy's cousins Alex and Monika came out to join in the fun along with Andres, Gustavo, Marybeth, and a whole slough of other fun peeps. I had a bunch to drink then went home and we watched MAY. What a friggin wierd movie.

Kathy and I made our first big purchase together....we bought this really great cookware set and cutlery set....just got it delivered to our house a few days ago...cooking has never been so exciting.

Buddy, the bestest dog ever, is well. He is learning new things about the world around him everyday. He amazes me constantly, his faithfulness, his gentle demeanor and patience around the crazy children of Highland Crossings.

We are starting to look into the housing market. We are probably going to be buying a moderately sized ranch style with a large basement.

Friday was great I went out without Kathy, to Ricks house who I haven't actually seen in 4 months or so. He was havin an all Boones Farm night. Oh my freakin god that party was amazing. Drinking, smoking, talking, the people. It was a beautiful experience for those who were lucky enough to attend. I even saw my old roommate Ken...who seemed to just forget the difficulties of that house years ago, and just wanted to know how I was. What a joy it was to hang out with people who were actually trying to remember the good in me. Great Party!!! GREAT!!!!

I got a new job...I now work for the Hilton Hotels Company.....but sadly I do not work for Paris Hilton.....he he he. It is a good job...I get to wear a tie, and use communication skills. It actually is helping me communicate with others in a more appropriate manner in and out of work.

Well, I have to go now.... so I will wish everyone a very happy day.

P.S. For those of my friends in the city....Friday July 29, 9pm free bar party at Tequila Roadhouse.....Wickerpark area. Just say my name at the door. For those of you who dont know it's Curran McHenry.

Much love to everyone out there.

What's New

2005-06-28T16:44:39Z

Well, it's been a few days....

On saturday we went to Brookfield Zoo, it was entertaining, but I remember them having more animals when I was younger.
We took a flask of Southern Comfort with us and enjoyed some liquor in the heat of course this made us even more tired.
Saturday night was a blast drank with the neighbor guy, Jeanette, and Aga and her sister and sister's husband. Sunday was
a bridal show at the Schaumburg Marriott...it was eye opening. I guess it was helpful, but we haven't even had a chance
to go over the massive ammounts of handouts we got. Yesterday was just a quiet monday I suppose. I quit my job on Thursday,
and will probably get hired tonight..... I am also planning on looking into real estate....like becoming an agent. We will
see what happens.

-C

Another Day ..... I Need A Dollar

2005-06-16T15:42:40Z

Hey alright....so last night we wnt to the good old Heartland Cafe for the poetry show. It was good to see all the older
peeps last night. We also got to hang out with my good friend Pinky....we just chilled and watched some spongebob for a
laugh. Got good and drunk at the Heartland ofcourse....you know how it is. Unbelievably almost everyone was out last night.
Chris Jordan, Jordan, Kris Panik, Joyce, everyone. Even ran into Perry (Sean) and Laura.....haven't seen them in a while.
Got drunk, Got sick, Got home...... got in the bathroom just in time to lose my lunch.

I think later tonight I am going to get a new bed.....we had an air mattress, but the f'n dog popped it with his claws
of doom (if you're a bed) and we have been sleeping on a futon. Time to buy that damn memory foam bed.....Oh sweet comfort
where have you been.

The only really shitty thing that is going on is the whole money thing. It seems like we get money....we spend money.
This breaks, that needs to be fixed always something wrong. The dog needs to go to the vet, we need a new bed, car payment
coming up, saving for a house, phone bills, other bills, aarrrggghhhh!!!!! Everything should be free....yeah that's it.

Me and Pinky are going to be starting up a new musical project so I am calling out for everything but a drummer or
electronic programmer/vocals.......anything else....contact us.

Time is really flying.....I have already been engaged for a month and a week.....we are planning to get married in like 14 months.
It is moving so damn fast.....I find myself in a lot of conversations about voltron, he-man, and thundercats these days. I will
be sitting around with some guys who are my age and we all get into this I miss my childhood phase....ahhh aging sux!!!

Chandlers.....not just your assignment notebook

2005-06-10T12:49:55Z

So yesterday we wnt to look at this country club near our condo....to che4cck it out for reception site....I thought it was cool and they include everything in the packages. However....as with many relationships (guys you know what I mean) Kathy thought it was unattractive and well.....she is very anti this particular site. We are still trying to figure out where to honeymoon.....and i need a best man, but my first few choices are not able to do the job....I am at a list of 2 or 3 options still.

Now to those people out there who I haven't talked to in a while.....if you are still out there let me know cuz I am trying to locate everyone for pre-wedding parties and the wedding itself...... just send a comment to me via this journal. Thanks.

I think it's July 15, I am going back to St. Louis for a visit and to go to my first wedding. Kathy's friend is getting married and I am so excited to seee how this whole process works. Plus I am excited to drink a lot. HE HE HE

God it has been forever and a lifetime since I was on here.......like I said if anyone is still out there message me..... I believe in second chances.....do you?

Later, Curran and Kathy

THIS JOURNAL IS BEING TAKEN OVER,,,,,,,

2005-06-06T08:23:33Z

THIS JOURNAL IS BEING TAKEN OVER...... IT IS NOW A LOG OF THE DAYS LEADING UP TO THE WEDDING

*****FLASH 5/11/05 CURRAN MCHENRY AND KATHY KRZYWONOS ARE ENGAGED*******

It happened at the Homewood Suites downtown at 44 E Grand Ave. ...... with reservations made only days in advance and booked with the managers approval for the romantic package..... Curran surprised Kathy with champagne, strawberries, flowers, and of course the ring.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The date is set tentatively for October 21, 2006
The location will be in the Chicagoland area.
....it's late....i'm tired......more to come

I am sooo tired

2004-04-27T15:50:02Z

Hey I guess I don't have much to say today. I am so fuckin' tired. I stayed at my pseudo-sister's house last night. We were supposed to hang out, but she went out with her friend and didn't come back. i don't even know if she's home yet, but I am gonna head back over there in a minute. I am seeing Kate tonight.....cannot wait. I love spending time with her. We are actually going to VANS WARPED this July. I totally cannot freakin' wait. So ...... I dont know what else to say. I have been discovering unknown bands or bands that used to be unknown to me. One band that I founf that blows me away is Coheed and Cambria......just found out about them a few days ago......and I just love their music. Well it's a short entry today....see ya!!

Just a funny thing to add

2004-04-23T21:36:34Z

Rick and I are in a band called Spell Bob Backwards as you all know....so I was shatting with some random person online and I thought it would be funny to send that person a "pic of my band" which is actually a terribly funny image i found online. So without further ado....

THE FAKE SPELL BOB BACKWARDS PHOTO

HA HA HA Hope you guys enjoyed that one

Peace Y'all

Hey Get Picture Happy

2004-04-22T22:20:13Z

I am gonna post some pics of peoples I know now so lets start with SPELL BOB BACKWARDS....my band

Now how about a pic of the boys of Neptunecrush.....my boys out of St. Louis..... http://www.neptunecrush.com

I'll have more soon.... I just think if you are gonna have a journal...you should put pictures of people you are close to in it. It's like your chance to creat an online scrapbook of your life. I am sure most people on LJ have already started using images, but I haven't, until now, known how.....so I am now going to abuse the hell out of it. Oh yes. PEACE!!!

PICS.....I hope

2004-04-18T19:25:22Z

Here should be the pictures that I was referring to in the last entry....if not then that sux.

Catching Up With My Life

2004-04-18T19:21:57Z

Yo....so I have a lot to catch everyone up on. I will start with some silliness. I joined that website hot or not and I am currently rated at a 7.3. That is such a mind fuck. I would never have guessed I would get such a good rating. Furthermore, I was checking out the meet me section and I got 4 girl who wanted to meet me, and I gotta say they are pretty cute. Take a look for yourself.

The problem with this is that on Hot or Not you can't contact the people for free....and i don't have a credit card to pay the 6 bucks a month. So I have no way to contact anyone if I wanted to. Then again they might just see this entry and send me a message. Well moving right along.

The party that we had for Rick's birthday was good, but it got bad for me. I got super drunk....like I have never seen myself like that before (I say seen cuz there is a video). Then my pseudo-sister shaved my head maliciously. It was really a not good experience.

For the past week Rick and I have been in and out of bars; Monday we went to Gingers where I got hit on by three girls....including a 34 year old teacher. He he....don't understand that. But it was fun. Wednesday was Nevins, Tommy Zender and Ryan Auffenberg were great....as usual. Had a few drinks and that was about it. Friday night Rick and I got real drunk and he fell of the couch and hurt his knee on the floor.....it was entertaining. My friend Jolan joined us and we got hammered...then went to Gingers for a red-headed slut shot right as last call was being announced. After that we were gonna head to MY BAR, but it was last call there too, so we started to head up to Southport to go to Toons. On our way we ran in to a few drunk people who said that Toons was closed but we should follow them to Thai's til 4. So we went there....had a beer and danced a bit, hit on a girl or two....I mean the group collectively. I didn't really go after anyone. Last night went to this guy Ducky's party. There were some amazing people there....really intelligent death metal people. Poets, hippies, punkers, everything......almost all musicians though. They had a keg of goose island...so I was drunk. It was fuckin' rad.

So that brings me to the serious half of the week. I put in my application for financial aid so that I can go back to school. I am applying to several schools in the chicago area, and I applied to Montana State-Billings (where I started this whole college thing), and I applied to NSU (Northeastern State University in Tahlequah, OK.) ......hmmmmm haven't I been there before???

I also started writing a movie script called....LIFE WAS SOME DREAM, it is loosely based on my lie since 1998. It is supposed to tell the story of how I came into college clean and ended up messing my self up pretty badly, but now I am making a heck of a come back.

Finally, this morning I woke up with a slight hangover from last night and cleaned up the apartment. I cleaned the toilet, and the kitchen, and took all the trash out. It's just useful work that leaves less for anyone else to do. So I suppose I will leave it at that, and I hope to continue this very interesting experience that has become my life. PEACE.

Its Fuckin' Party Time

2004-04-10T20:59:17Z

Yeah...it's saturday!!! Tonight is Rick's B-Day party. We got so much liquor and we are just gonna get stupid.....as a matter of fact i think that in a few minutes we might get an early start. Hell's yeah. I got 2 jobs now.....Assisstant manager at quiznos and the Lincoln Park Zoo. It's cool. It looks like Rachel is gonna come to the party tonight.....uh oh. Whenever I am around Rachel drunk......not good for the emotions of myself. Still trying to cope with just being friends....but getting so close to acceptance. Well...I don't really have anything interesting to say. So.....Peace!!!!

At last it's finally over

2004-03-30T23:52:57Z

Alright well I had a very busy weekend....

Lets see on saturday I went to my friend Eden's party, it was freakin' awesome, then we walked over to this crazy goth concert in the basement of a church. It wasn't really my thing I have to admit, but I saw alot of people i know. Then I walked to Belmont for cigarettes and I ran into Mike, iaminyourhead, and we rekindled our friendship I guess. Talked a lot, it went well and we are on good terms finally. That's great. Then I missed out on my chance to go see Andie that night, that sucked. Then I ran into an old friend from Glenview...Ryan....that was cool. It was nice to catch up with all these people. Then last night I talked to RAE and that was cool...I guess we are friends again finally....it honestly hurt not being friends with her cuz our relationship was long and I think people should be able to stay friends after something like that. Also last night I was talking to Andie online and she had a bad reaction to a caffeine overdose and it was seriously scary. She freaked me out a lot. I actually worried that I could lose her forever. So I don't know what happened...we haven't talked yet. Finally today I got a job interview for a position at an office....as office manager....woohoo a real fuckin' job. That is just what i need. So.....that's the short version....running out of patience with typing right now....so i will leave it there. Peace!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't understand

2004-03-27T04:35:10Z

Well today i went to the zoo with Andie....mostly because we needed to talk. Last night she was online and said we needed to talk about space.....WHAT??? I thought we just had a perfect night at Nevins on Wednesday. Well she wanted to take a step back because she says she was not ready for the commitment.....I dont know. She still wants me.....she said everything is the same except for the title thing. You know when I was in OK, the same thing happened with Teresa and we never reconciled....we had sex for a few more weeks and then she kind of just disappeared and then she started bringing these other guys to my house....for my parties. I don't think we will be having a repeat. I still love her, but I am not really sure of the status, nor am I sure what I should do or how I should feel. I guess I should just roll with the punches. The thing is I only have one real friend on the planet...Rick. What can I say about this guy....he is always there to save my butt. On top of that, I am coming off of 5 years of heavy drug use and it is difficult because all of my old friends are users. I don't know where to meet people all over again. I take that back being an ex-stoner I can say that we have the ability to just walk up to people and start conversations which usually lead up to sessions. Seriously stoners have an uncanny ability to identify other stoners. They are intelligent people.....it's just that for me it's better not to be high. I can't make new friends right now because I am incapable of trusting myself to meet the right people. If I meet the usual kinds of people I meet......they will end up fucking me up and fucking me over. My judgement of human beings....my judgement in general in fact is a little off.....that's what happens after years of life altering tragedies and drug use. You try it!!!!

I talked to my parents today....well, my mother. I had to explain to her in a short version why my life has been so horrible. I told her about the drugs...the pain in short. I wish I could sit down with my parents and tell them exactly what has happened...at least what I can remember. It hurts so bad that I don't even remember some of what happened last year. If you have read my journal over the last two years you remember RAE. Well I know that I made her happy for a while, but then things fell apart and I am so to blame for alot of it. I started selling and I was getting way to high. I wasn't even motivated enough for sex. It hurts to awaken to this world....only to find that you've accidentally altered everything while you were wasted. I sobered up to find alot of my really good friends gone. Example: I was at the Heartland cafe a few weeks ago and this guy Shabaz was there....he used to be a good friend and I walked up to say hi and he told me to go away and that he had no interest in talking. I alienated him.....I did somethings over the last few years that destroyed these friendships. Starting all over!!

How can I start all over?? I dont even know where to turn. I've become so numb to the world...and now I'm coming out of this metaphoric coma. I have to begin anew. Who knows how this feels.....I know there are more of you out there, but it feels like I am the only one as I walk the streets of chicago alone.

I hate to be a hypocrite, but I think if I could go back and change it all now that I am sober.....I would fix things with RAE....god knows. RAE...I am so sorry for what I became....we could have been better, well I could've. I destroyed her. I talked to my friend Pete, he agreed with this....RAE was this beautiful person and then I came along and everything was fine until I started to slip away into the abyss and then I tore her apart. I am so sorry. And yes, I still carry the first poem she ever wrote me around in my wallet usually with her picture. Come to think of it I am always telling Andie to get over her ex Chris that she hasn't gotten over. Who am I to talk? They broke up like 6 months ago.....me and RAE have been broken up for 1 YEAR and 1 MONTH.....and I am still not done hurting. That would explain the silliness and the shitty entries in this journal. You know the I LIKE HER, I HATE HER, I LIKE SOMEONE ELSE, I HATE HER TOO shit. That went on during my rebound period. I think this is me finally dealing with the wrong....now I can heal. I should've waited until now to be with someone....I am hurting everyone....HOLY SHIT.....it's my fault. I am the one who hurt those girls I have been with in the last year because I wasn't really over RAE....I just needed to be with someone because I have been selfish. OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE???

FUCK IT------ I AM SORRY TO EVERYONE FOR EVERYTHING I HAVE DONE.

I am so lost without the things I used to have..... I am so lost without all the support, the help. And I have let down alot of people who knew me. People who knew me when I was 17 (before the drugs).....I actually talked to someone from then the other day. They have been under the impression that I have been okay all these years. I can't even imagine how disturbing it must have been for them to find out that I was full of shit...that I had fallen. Still, it seems that there may be a light at the end of the tunnel.....hope I can walk that far.

DAMN THAT WAS DEEP......I think after this super therapeutic entry....I may be able to salvage things with Andie when she's ready....or I can be ready to be on my own until I find whoever I am to be with. I do have a strong feeling that I will be with Andie for a while though, but I could be wrong. Andie was saying that I am really attached....she's right, I think I should try to force myself to back off just a bit. We've got all the time in the world, if we are gonna be together---we will.

Just if you're interested

2004-03-26T01:26:01Z

This is a bible search thingy i found that looked pretty cool and maybe it will remind someone out there to look into it....

More wierd stuff to appear soon

Check this out...It's so awesome

2004-03-26T00:50:43Z

I found this in my friends journal......it's awesome....try it out......It is suprisingly accurate

Your Love Situation by Amberishjewel
Username?
Your Love Is...	Gentle
During Lovemaking You Act...	Like a volcano, hot & steamy
Your Partner Is...	Your best friend
Your Partner Has Said That You...	Are extrodinary
Your Love is Summed Up In A Quote.	"I love your lips"

Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

Ok.....well have fun

Last Night

2004-03-25T23:40:17Z

Oh my god.....last night was incredible. I went to Nevins with Rick and we met Andie there. Me and Rick were performing our music and as always Andie came to be supportive. So Andie and I were sitting at the table, I was having a Jack and coke and she was drinking a bud light and we were just staring at each other and I really felt something. When I got home I talked to her online and she started the conversation by saying "OH MY GOD...WHAT JUST HAPPENED?" She felt it too. Finally, she has admitted that she is totally falling for me. It was so amazing to have that conversation.

Furthermore, today I was watching "A Walk To Remember," and I realized that it is totally our story. A good christian girl meets a rebellious guy and they end up together and then married. The only real difference is that Andie is not going to die of Leukemia. I really am in love with this girl. It's getting real strong. We have a great relationship.....yeah some shit she does drives me crazy.....but I am sure I drive her up a wall every now and then.

I applied for a bunch more jobs today and handled a few other things so that I can get some shit straight in my life. I had this really big realization that I dont like being a sponge.....when I lived with Bobbi everyone there lived for free and so it didn't matter. No one cared what happened at all, but now I am getting my shit straight I have to be able to give back to those who give to me.

Finally, and I know this doesn't sound like me, I prayed today for the first time in like years. I was really touched by some imagery in a movie I saw and so I needed someone to talk to....seems to me that the one person who is always available to talk....has been here all along, I just forgot his "phone number." So I gave Him a call today, it honestly felt good. I can't get too deep on this I don't want to pose as something if I am not sure, but this has raised a lot of questions in my mind about where I am at....and what I am doing with my life.

Well, I guess that was a lot to take in for the time period spanning from last night at 7:00 until today at 5:00 pm....I think I am probably going to have sit and think on all this for a while....in the meantime I am waiting for andie to get online. So, I will enter more in here soon.